Get our best content

~max once a week~

10 weird boob beauty products you didn’t know you desperately need There really is a high tech boob product for everything. It's time to pamper your ta-tas.

We focus on our boobs a lot. We talk about the shape of them, the size of them, and how sore they can get (Thanks, PMS). Then there are all the little things about nipples, from itchiness to hair issues.

And don’t even get me started on the topic of buying bras. Those convos could easily fill a novel. But despite all of this discussion about your breasts, something you probably aren’t talking about? Products that you should buy for your boobs that aren’t bras.

If you’re wondering whether such things exist, let me be the first to enlighten you: yes, they do. There may not be a boob aisle at your local drugstore, but you can find a whole range of products not just for butts or necks, but also products that are meant to pamper your tatas. From moisturizing to anti-aging to firming to enhancing, there is a boob product for everything.

And I’m not just talking about things for breastfeeding, obviously. You can buy a whole bunch of different products for your pubic hair, so why wouldn’t you be able to get things for your boobs?

I’ll be honest: a lot of these products are weird AF. Some of them definitely don’t work (a cream is never going to make your boobs grow overnight – sorry). Some of them are just completely unnecessary, and are just on this list so we can giggle at them. Others, though, are kind of cool, and might actually be worth trying.

At the end of the day, your breasts don’t need any special products. They’re just fine if you leave ’em au naturel. But isn’t it fun to see what’s out there anyway? Take a look at these boob products that you can actually buy.

Electric Breast Enhancement & Enlargement Instrument

Nope, this contraption has nothing to do with breastfeeding. It is all about making your boobs bigger. You attach the cups onto your breasts and pump away to enlarge your girls. [Insert your own balloon joke here.] Sounds cool, but I’ll be the bearer of bad news — this more than likely does not work, even if it makes your boobs swollen. Doesn’t that just sound painful?

Electric Breast Enhancement & Enlargement Instrument — Amazon

Boob Glue Gravity Defying Breast Adhesive Roll-On

This is a self-proclaimed “boob job in a bottle” that you stick between your breast and bra to keep your cleavage in place. Which, sure? I did not know that cleavage-slipping was an issue until this very moment, but if you feel like you have been unfairly struck by it, by all means, get you some boob glue.

Boob Glue Gravity Defying Breast Adhesive Roll-On — Amazon

Gold Collagen Breast Masks

Have you ever put 24 karat gold on your boobs before? Thought not. Now you can thanks to this sheet mask. In addition to making it look like you have gold-plated boobs, the sheet mask helps to smooth, enlarge, and fight the signs of aging. And by help we mean psychosomatic help, because c’mon.

Five-Pack Gold Collagen Breast Masks — Amazon

Natural Curves Breast Enlargement Pills

The ideal solution to any problem is a pill. Just swallow the tiny little solution to all that ails and let the magic of science do all the work for you. And apparently, now even breast enlargement can be done with a pill.

And you know what’s even better than solving a problem with a pill? Well, Natural Curves breast enlargement pills work INSTANTLY with IMMEDIATE results!

Ingredients include “Wild Yam Extract, Saw Palmetto, Fenugreek Extract, Dong Quai, Damiana Extract, Fennel Extract, Motherwort Extract, Dandelion Extract, Blessed Thistle, Chaste Tree Berry Extract, Asian Ginseng, Black Cohosh, Soy Isoflavones, BioPerine.”

Natural Curves Breast Enlargement Pills — Amazon

Intimia Breast Pillow For Chest Wrinkles Prevention And Support

If you’ve always wondered why you couldn’t find a pillow for your boobs, the good news is that I’ve found one for you. The pillow has nothing to do with sleeping on your chest. It is all about preventing chest wrinkles and giving your tatas some support. Slip it between your knockers at night before you catch some zzz’s. There’s literally no evidence that this is helpful, but… maybe it’s comfortable?

Intimia Breast Pillow For Chest Wrinkle Prevention And Support — Amazon

F Cup Cookies

More weirdness from Japan. Claims that each cookie contains 50mg of Pueraria Mirifica plant extract (contains a molecule similar to estrogen known as Miroestrol), and that this will increase bosom size. Not FDA-approved, and you probably can’t get it here. Though I am sure you have been able to gather that.

Epigentix Boustie Breast Enhancement Cream

This looks like an elegant face cream, but the name gives you a clue that it is meant for slightly lower regions. The cream claims to boost your chest by half a cup to a full cup without surgery or padding. Plus, it gives your boobs a natural radiance. No Instagram filter needed. Again, a cream will never make your boobs bigger. But if you want to moisturize the girls, go for it.

Epigentix Boustie Breast Enhancement Cream — Amazon

LaVie Lactation Massager

Even breast products have gone hi-tech. This 3 in 1 ergonomic vibration device claims to help with breastfeeding challenges like clogged ducts, mastitis, engorgement, and tenderness. Does this work? I don’t know. It has tons of ratings and near perfect score, so at the very least it probably feels good. Hey, wait a minute…

LaVie Lactation Massager — Amazon

Fake Nipples

“Adhesive nipples attach securely to a breast form, symmetry shaper, natural breast or reconstructed breast,” the product description reads, a little too dryly for such a product. It does look fairly real.

Amoena Women’s Nipples Set — Amazon

Breast Health Oil

Everyone wants healthy breasts, right? It is suggested that you use this oil daily for maximum benefit. Apply a few drops to your hands and massage it on your boobs. Better yet, get bae to help you.

Contains organic red clover (“help with breast issues associated with PMS”), violets, violet leaves (“incredible for the lymphatic system and to dissolve cysts, lumps, and fibrotic tissue of the breast”), dandelion flowers and dandelion greens (“prevention and treatment of breast diseases of various types, especially cysts, and swollen breast lymph glands”). Well, we’re not the FDA.

Breast Health Oil — Amazon

Wireless Breast Massage Electric Vibration Bust Lift Enhancer Machine

Made with wireless design, ultra thin and lightweight, this UFO abduction device will massage your mammies anywhere, anytime, as an “invisible wearable.” The vibrations are meant to boost elasticity, firmness, and your chest’s overall appearance. We even see the term “shrinking breasts recovery plump” in the description which is just wonderful.

Wireless Breast Massage Electric Vibration Bust Lift Enhancer Machine — Amazon

Sorry, Afrunauts! While 85% of you are wonderful people, the other 25% were far too frequently brigades and troll farms. Their abusive comments have traumatized our moderators, and so we can't allow comments until we have built an ethical way to address the troll problem. If you feel the calling and you have familiarized yourself with what is and isn't free speech, you can still email us your scribbles. If your feedback is excellent, we may manually add it!
PS. The A Black Woman Is Speaking mug is a standing invitation to sit down, shut up, and engage in the wisdom shared by Black women. Lord knows the world needs it right now.

Say your thing

Get our best content

~max once a week~