We’ve all had it happen: You find someone online that you think is attractive and would make a great match for you, but as soon as you meet in person you realize that this individual is the exact opposite of someone you’d like to spend your time with.
It’s not what they look like. Oh, no. It’s what they do.
As such, let this be an official proposal so that we sane people of Earth may avoid the most disappointing of online dates. Let there be a legal obligation to disclose information so that we will know when a person commits an unthinkable offense such as:
1. Clapping when the plane lands.
2. Sending dick pics to strangers.
3. Commenting on YouTube videos.
4. Getting offended by the Starbucks red cups.
5. Typing in #hashtags #all #the #time.
6. Eating all of their fries before even touching their burger.
7. Saying “mmm” out loud when they like something they’re eating.
8. Biting string cheese whole instead of peeling it.
9. Saying they hate foods that they’ve never tried.
10. Kissing their dog on the mouth.
11. Being a pit bull advocate.
12. Thinking evolution is a lie.
13. Using five dollar words like “plethora” to sound smart.
14. Scraping their teeth on their fork when eating.
15. Calling their mom “Mommy” as an adult.
16. Picking their nose in public.
17. Asking people perfectly Google-able questions.
18. Arguing in the comments of celebrity Instagrams.
19. Liking Nickelback.
20. Liking Kid Rock.
21. Referring to their pet as a “fur baby.”
22. Refusing to wear something from last season.
23. Pronouncing “gif” as “jif.”
24. Kissing with their eyes open.
25. Clapping as a form of dancing at a club.
26. Cutting their nails on the subway.
27. Licking their fingers at a restaurant.
28. Complaining about a headache while refusing to take painkillers.
29. Posting minion pictures with quotes on their Facebook.
30. Using the word “infer” wrong.
31. Having a problem with people who use the word “infer” wrong.
32. Standing to wipe their butt.
33. Wearing visors.
34. Supporting Donald Trump.
35. Believing 9/11 was an inside job.
36. Referring to social media followers as “fans.”
37. Using the word “yummy.”
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Also check out 15 questions we’d love to ask our new dates… but are afraid to.
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Author thinks “plethora” is a five dollar word? How sad.