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I smuggled weed in my cooch and then TSA stopped me This was where it would all end for me.

I walked up to the airport security checkpoint feeling confident and secure — with a fat sack of weed in my underpants.
I’d brought more pot than I needed on my trip back East to see my family and there was no way I was just throwing it out. I was bringing it back to L.A. with me.

This was back in the days before there were marijuana dispensaries on every corner in Hollywood — back when you had to put a little effort into scoring your weed. You had to make phone calls and speak in code about needing some “salad” or “groceries” or “tickets to the show” — and then meet up with a dude named Sponto or Kozmo or Dreddy on some sketchy corner in Culver City and buy a sack of whatever he had on hand to get your blaze on — back in the days when you had to score your weed like a real, dirty little drug addict.

So I wasn’t about to just toss my hard earned bud — especially not with the foolproof weed smuggling method I’d so carefully and cleverly developed.

See, I didn’t just carry weed on a plane in my underpants. I carried weed on a plane in my underpants in a hollowed out maxi pad. I decided that the troglodytes at airport security had to be pretty fucking sure I was carrying something dangerous before they felt justified in asking me to hand over the maxi pad I was currently wearing.

My crotch carrying method required a few minutes of pre-flight preparation and an old school Kotex extra thick maxi pad. Kotex (with wings) were always the best — offering plenty of room to nestle your buds inside the absorbent stuffing. I sliced the pad down the middle, tucked my sack of green inside, placed some “absorbent” stuffing back on top and then sealed the whole thing shut with tape to neutralize the scent. I’d done it at least a dozen times before, with a 100% success rate.

I was pretty hot shit — until that day when I strode up to airport security with my husband and the TSA agent stated politely: “Would you two just step over to the left side please? You guys are going to go through the puffer.”

Going through the who what now?

“What’s the puffer?” asked my husband.

“Oh you guys have never been through the puffer?” said the Troglodyte.

“No,” he said. “I don’t think we’ve been through the puffer.”

Beads of cold sweat began to form all over my body. I felt dizzy.

“It’s no biggie,” said the security agent. “You’re just going to step inside that chamber right there, then you’re going to get a few puffs of air blown on you — then we analyze the air to make sure you’re not carrying any foreign substances — and then we let you out on the other side.”

Foreign substances. Really dizzy. I wondered how suspicious it would look if I started screaming that I needed to go to the bathroom RIGHT AWAY.

As my husband (who wasn’t carrying ANYTHING illegal) was directed to enter the puffer, the first security agent seemed to notice my distress.

“You claustrophobic?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said. “I’m VERY claustrophobic.”

This was my way out of the puffer. My ticket said I was headed to L.A. The guy read me as one of those kooky, crazy L.A. artist types who just couldn’t be locked in a cage. He was going to let me skip it.

“Don’t worry hon,” he said. “We’ll getcha in and outta there in a jiff.”

I heard a long, low beep and looked up to see my husband exiting the puffer on the other side — free. He turned around and waved at me, smiling weakly.

“Right this way ma’am,” called out the puffer operator, indicating that it was my turn. I smiled and waddled forward. My profuse, all over body sweating had caused my weed filled maxi pad to become unstuck and ride up between my butt cheeks. It was a wedge I dared not pick.

“I’m really claustrophobic!” I told the puffer operator in one last, pathetic attempt to escape my fate.

“Don’t worry hon,” he said echoing his partner’s words. “We’ll getcha outta there in a jiff.”

There was no escape. I stepped inside. “The puffer” was an 8-foot-tall Plexiglass chamber that looked something like those booths they used to have on game shows with all the cash flying around inside. There were two footprints on the floor showing me where to stand and a lighted sign over the exit door that said “STOP.”

The door closed behind me. I was caught — like a giant rat in a giant plastic trap. There were no signs that cash would be filling the chamber any time soon.

I peered through the Plexiglass at my husband. He looked like he was about to shit his pants.

Then, the puffing began. Five short blasts of air from head to toe — and then nothing.

I was busted. The evidence was collected. This was where it would all end for me. I was going to get arrested for a federal offense. I would have a police record. I would lose my job — all those years of work to become a trained psychotherapist — all wasted — all over.

Yeah, that’s right. Some psychotherapists smoke weed. I did. Yours probably does to. We have to. Because people like you are unbelievably fucking boring to talk to.

I closed my eyes. As the seconds in the puffer ticked by, I braced myself for the sound of an alarm followed by a swarm of security agents wrestling me to the cold, hard airport floor. I envisioned myself being mercilessly dragged to a “private screening room” where I would be subjected to a ruthless strip and body cavity search.

Don’t say anything without a lawyer, I told myself. I was thankful that my husband and I had just finished watching all five seasons of The Wire on DVD. At least I knew that I had to “lawyer up” the minute they had me in the interrogation room.

Then, I heard the sound — not an alarm actually — but a long, high pitched beep. I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. The red light above the door that had said “STOP” had turned to a green light that said “GO.” The exit door opened in front of me.

I walked out. Calmly. Like someone without weed in her crotch.

“That wasn’t so bad was it?” said the TSA troglodyte on the other side.

“No,” I said. “I guess it wasn’t. I’m such a baby. Heh heh. Heh heh.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he said. “Have a nice flight guys.”

My husband was next to me now — shoving my purse and coat into my hands.

“Come on,” he said, grabbing my arm. “Let’s go!” He started walking — steering me in no particular direction — just away, away from the puffer — towards freedom.

I learned a valuable lesson that day. You can still get weed on an airplane if the security gate has a puffer. Also — pot brownies are a good idea. Also? Being white helps.

You’re welcome.

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13 thoughts on “<span class="entry-title-primary">I smuggled weed in my cooch and then TSA stopped me</span> <span class="entry-subtitle">This was where it would all end for me.</span>”

  1. “Yeah, that’s right. Some psychotherapists smoke weed. I did. Yours probably does to. We have to. ***Because people like you are unbelievably fucking boring to talk to.”***
    That last line makes me glad that you lost your job. That attitude is disgusting for a therapist to have and this writer should be ashamed. For a job where you’re supposed to be helping emotionally vulnerable people, that’s certainly a gross attitude to have. Hope she can develop some empathy.

  2. In a pad next to your cooch is NOT “in my cooch”, you over-privileged liar. Some poor women have to actually stick (unsanitary) stuff up their cooch to get it into prison etc. It isn’t fun (I’m guessing).

  3. “back in the days when you had to score your weed like a real, dirty little drug addict.” You’re desperate enough to carry weed in a maxi pad, risk a police record and screwing up your career and you don’t think you’re a f*cking drug addict? How about loser?

    • The laws that make this necessary are not in ANY way based on scientific evidence – Cannabis was or is in the same Schedule as HEROIN, whilst it is impossible to kill yourself via overdose of Cannabis, thus it is vastly safer. The psychosis or other mental health issues associated with cannabis are massively exacerbated by the fact that it being illegal makes one paranoid about sneaky cops – and cops pride themselves (pathetically) in being sneaky at catching potheads and other non-violent, non-selling drug users.
      Drug use is a mental health and physical health issue, that generally relates to the extreme stress of Capitalism and Big Pharmas utter failure to deal with that.
      If cannabis wasn’t criminalised based on weight, they’d not have invented Skunk type extreme-potency sinsemilla back in the mid-1970s. If one is a dealer/grower, and going to risk getting busted, better to risk it for $20 per gram than $0.5 per gram, for example.
      The drug laws literally wilfully-ignore supply-and-demand economics, which even a 5 year old could understand. Thus they, made by the highest powers on the PLANET, cannot be anything either than SEVERELY-incompetent – or more likely INTENDED TO CAUSE THE HARM THAT THEY ARE STILL CAUSING DECADES INTO THE DRUG WAR AND ONE HUNDRED YEARS SINCE PROHIBITION PROVED IMPOSSIBLE TO WORK. The FBI and DEA are pretty happy about it in their own pathetic, ignorant sick way, though, aren’t they? If I know all the above to be true, so do they – or they WILFULLY ignore the facts around their own law-enforcement role. Similar to how any soldier WILFULLY ignores the politics that sent him to fight, in order to be a far more effective, focused and non-cognitively-dissonant soldier. Thus can be an agent for great evil, regardless of original intent, and IS culpable (IMO), otherwise, who isn’t?

  4. Stupid “c u next tuesday” – you’re a retard:
    A) TSA doesn’t use puffers anymore
    B) they are looking for explosives, not weed!

    Seriously our education system must be in the can…

    • My son Dtf has always been kind of a douche. I named him Dtf because the judge wouldn’t let me spell out the full words. He was born a know-it-all though he also was born with deformed genitalia so don’t judge him too hard. I am always having to clean up after him so here we go again.
      A) TSA DID use puffers, Dear.
      B) The TSA were and are always on the look out for ALL foreign and illegal substances.
      C) (For kicks and giggles)How is a well-written, funny essay an indictment of our educational system?

        • Oh sorry dear – forgot to mention i never passed elementary English! You said they don’t use puffers anymore – dtf you are correct! My bad for trying to correct a VALID statement. And you are also right – they are not looking for weed! Everything you said was true, my bad hon! They DO look for any foreign, undetermined substance, but never for weed specifically! Sorry my child please ignore your mom and continue to enlighten the unwashed masses.

  5. This story is SO funny. can’t believe it didn’t bust you. So much for the TSA war on terror. More like the TSA war on convenience.


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