So I’ve polled my extensive posse of lady friends and come up with a list of the weirder things guys do with their junk that… uh… kinda weird us out, actually.
We love you, but… seriously? Stop it.
#1. The Helicopter
Typically a post-shower show and tell. He takes off his towel, swivels his hips and makes his dick copter around his groin. Quote: “Look, babe! My dick’s a helicopter!”
But his dick is not a helicopter, and you can’t hop aboard and extract yourself from the situation.
#2. Making it talk with dick puppetry
Dick as Clone Trooper often says random lines from Star Wars. Like: “He’s more machine than man, now, Luke.”
Penis theater can be a beautiful going to sleep ritual for couples with a deranged sense of humor. For everyone else, it’s sexual abuse.
#3. Pretending stuff is his dick
Dude takes any vaguely sort of dick-shaped object, say, a pencil, or a banana, lays it on top of his crotch and goes: Look, it’s like my dick! Except outside my pants!
Girls can do it too, but it’s not as much of a sexual harassment knee-slapper because we know most girls (not all) don’t actually have a penis so it comes off more as penile inferiority complex, which is not the message we want or need.
#4. The free ranger
This is a more advanced form of putting on something comfy after coming home from work. They simply unzip and let the penis run free for a while. They don’t acknowledge it or anything, and you shouldn’t either, because then they’ll up the ante and maybe even subject your mom to this.
The situation can quickly escalate into a full-on SLAP-DOWN (below).
#5. The slap-down
Most of us have encountered this one. Boyfriend’s walking around the house naked and handling himself liberally. Boyfriend goes: “That’s my dick on the plate! That’s my dick on the bookshelf!”
Guys really like trying to get their penis into contact with as many objects as possible to mark their territory and it’s gross af.
#6. The Silence of the Lambs
This is the crowning achievement in sexual-harassment-with-penis world. He tucks his junk between his legs, and keeps it up there by walking with his knees bent. Then he goes, “Check it out! I’m Mister Woman!” and start reciting lines from Silence of the Lambs. This can blossom into quite the theatrical performance.
Needless to say, no matter the production value, dump his transphobic ass. Immediately.
Did we leave any out? Which penile feats have you seen your man “accomplish?” Also have a look at 8 world records in the field of penis achievement.
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