3 scientific ways gay men can experience biological parenthood Contrary to pseudoscience promulgated by truck stop Americans, gay men don't have to commit sexuality treason or shanghai a cisget to get pregnant. Here's how.

Starting a family as a gay couple can feel daunting. It’s 2024 and our great mass of truck stop Americans are still taking for granted wildly outdated attitudes regarding LGBTQ+ folks’ ability to conceive and raise biological children. Hell, catch them at the right time of day and they’ll even insinuate that gay folks can only desire kids to molest them.

Thankfully, the truth is far more affirming than any bigoted drivel, and truth is always the victor of history.

First of all, the urge to reproduce comes naturally to all living things, and there are no bad motives for wanting to reproduce (or not!). Second, there are actually myriad ways in which gay folks can get pregnant — genetic heritage intact and all. Let’s cover three of them!

#1. Be an AFAB transman

If you are a man who was assigned female at birth, and have not undergone bottom surgery, then contrary to antiscientific thinking promulgated by Fox News assholes, you can get right to bakin’! Using your masculine vagina and uterus, you can actually conceive offspring much the same way a cishet couple would — in a much queerer way, of course!

Keep in mind that this avenue somewhat depends on your hormone levels which may be affected by your gender affirming healthcare. Check with your doctor before preparing the consenting feminine penis for its fertile mission!

#2. Use stem cells to produce an egg cell with your genome

Unfortunately, combining two sperm cells does not result in conception — yet. The sad capitalist reality is that both a sperm cell and an egg cell are still required to procreate.

But what if the DNA in a donor’s egg cell was replaced with your DNA?

Scientists have tried this too, however the biological process of gene imprinting prevents this from forming an embryo. Luckily, these repressive cishet glass ceilings of human biology have since been broken! Using stem cells harvested from either your bone marrow or the week-old embryos of your clones, more stem cells with your DNA can be produced. From there, your stem cells can differentiate into egg cells, which would not only contain your DNA, but would also be compatible with the sperm of your gay lover.

This process would still require a surrogate vagina-haver to give birth, however it would be the same as IVF — the fertilized embryo is simply implanted into the surrogate parent. As well, surrogate mothers from developing countries are cheap and readily available.

While you will not be physically pregnant yourself, you can certainly feel metaphorically pregnant — a baby with the genetic characteristics of both dads is on its way!

#3. Use stem cells to grow a uterus and graft it onto your body

But what if you want to be physically pregnant, and neither you nor your partner possess a uterus? We are still in possibility land!

Using fetal stem cells harvested from the week-old embryos of your clones, it is possible to grow your own uterus and vagina in a lab! Right-wing homophobes will likely try to claim that your fatherly procreation methods involve “satanic soul harvesting,” however extensive stem cell research has yet to find a single link to Satan.

Once your uterus is complete, it can simply be grafted onto your body. Anywhere you see fit, really. Since it has your DNA, the uterus — unlike my septum piercing — will not be rejected by your body. From here on it’s a simple shake and bake operation by using the process described in Method 2. You become your own surrogate parent and give birth to you and your partner’s very own, genetically merged love bundle.

Can we get a “Praise Science!”?

Finally, it should go without saying that summoning a little one into this world automatically engulfs you in major responsibilities. It is not a decision that should be taken lightly. Raise your child with love and keep them gender-neutral until they are old enough to figure out stuff on their own. Teach them inclusivity, change-making, and 401(k) optimization.