There’s nothing more agonizing than seeing a friend of yours put up with a guy who gives you weird vibes. Something about him is just off. You want to say something to her, but she seems content, so you stay quiet. But it gnaws at you.
Then a few months down the line, it turns out all of the weird vibes were completely justified, and your girlfriend is emotionally or physically hurt — or even dead.
What makes this all scarier is that while it can be hard to pinpoint exactly why we don’t like who our friends are dating, it’s even more difficult to objectively analyze our own SOs (or potential BFs).
The fact is lots of guys are total mentally ill creeps who have no business being in a relationship, but yet somehow manage to slither into proximity of women. So if your man does any of the below, you should probably reconsider who you’re spending Valentine’s Day with. (And maybe even take some safety precautions.)
#1. He posts selfies online, including mirror ones
If you thought there’s something undeniably vain and tacky about a dude who posts a bunch of selfies up online, if the idea just gives you a weird something is off vibe, you’ve got good instincts handed down to you for your survival.
Because Science says male selfie posters are actually psychopaths. Do not trust this man under any circumstance.
#2. He donates to streamers
It seems a good chunk of our GDP runs on this celebrity tin can rattling now — losers literally just donating their meager paychecks piecemeal to multimillionaire streamers on Twitch or OnlyFans.
This is a new type of mental illness not yet defined in the DSM, but when it does, it’ll probably be called para-social personality disorder.
#3. He considers The Wolf of Wall Street an inspirational tale
Was Leo’s performance amazing? Yes. Did he have a lot of money? Totally yes. Was he portraying a terrible man who preyed on working class Americans and let his family life spiral out of control because of his recklessly irresponsible, childish behavior? Yes!!!
Do not fucking trust a man who admires a criminal just because he owned Lamborghinis and had a sex addiction. Wolf of Wall Street Guy is at the very least a sociopath. Do not trust or commit!
#4. He works for a pyramid scheme
Listen, we’ve all had our fair share of sh*tty jobs because there were no better options, but there is no excuse to work for a pyramid scheme. Guys who work for pyramid schemes are usually there because they are victim of something called magical thinking. This is a not-quite-schizophrenic state of mind where a person is easily convinced of just about anything, as long as it is improbable.
#5. He’s a fuckboi
#6. He isn’t in high school, yet spews memes
His mind is full of memes — and nothing else. He has a pathological need to “fit in” and be like everyone else, so he borrows someone else’s personality in the form of a meme. Guys like this are scared to show their own personalities because they think that if they show their true selves, they will be rejected. So they hide behind a mask of irony, silliness, and sarcasm — if there even is something behind that mask at all. The only personality development Meme Guys have undergone happened in solitude deep inside the safe recesses of their minds, and likely has significant crossover with incelism. Meme Guy is deeply insecure.
#7. He treats his phone like Fort Knox
Look, people want their privacy and that’s fine. But if you’re intimate enough with someone that they’ll let you choke them during sex, then using their phone shouldn’t be a big deal. Unless he’s got something to hide.
If he’s extremely attractive, this could be another girl — but typically what Phone-guarder Guy is trying to hide is his male associations and the things they talk about and get up to online. Look out for 4chan lingo and our list of overlooked signs of radicalization. Diagnosis: (probable) authoritarian personality disorder.
#8. He has literally voted for the bad guys
Duh. It’s an A or B choice. One side by definition stands for progress and good. The other side by definition stands for regress and evil. How can you screw this up? The guy is either dim or secretly evil.
#9. He borrows money
In this era of late stage capitalism, these guys are numerous and women keep falling for their tricks because we often fear moving on. So he asks for gas money. He gets on your cell phone plan. Maybe he adds his name to your car insurance. You co-sign for everything. You’re paying for takeout way too often.
This is a hobo, girl. The diagnosis for these guys is the whole fucking DSM. Kick him back to the streets — and get a full disease and STD checkup. And check on your silverware and prescription medication stash.
#10. He treats waiters and waitresses like crap
It’s only a matter of time before he’s a total d*ckbag to you too. This entitled douche-ness cannot go overlooked. Diagnosis: sociopath or psychopath.
#12. He pulls the IDGAF or irony bro card way too often
Oh he’s so cool! So edgy! So interesting! YAWN! Listen, when James Dean didn’t give a f*ck, it was cool because he was an actual rebel, protesting against a society that cared too much.
Now that everyone’s pretending to be a rebel, the sexiest thing out there is someone who has their sh*t together and does care. That’s how you rebel — by giving a damn about the person you’re with. Deep insecurities.
#13. He likes manbaby entertainment like Marvel, Funko pop dolls, and The Big Bang Theory
If he’s into entertainment made to bilk money out of children or manbabies just like him (typical signs include: “franchises” with “universes” and “arcs”), think of all the other areas in his life where he’s wasting time and resources that should be spent on you.
guys boys are suffering from intellectual and emotional impairment, or developmental disability. Whatever you want to call this stunted growth, it’s bad. Don’t even have a serious sit-down talk with one such — kick him to the curb and find an actual adult next time.
#11. He’s into stoner culture
Most people love the occasional marijuana, but there’s a demographic of people who make it their lifestyle and get high all the time. The trappings and fellowship offered by this subculture is a soothing salve for a depressed and defeated man who knows he’s such a loser that he’s never going to be able to do anything in his life.
Bonus: He’s a “little man” (whether height, penis, etc)
I left this one for last because anything to do with genetics can get really controversial, and I also don’t want to hurt someone who has been dealt a bad card. But there’s a reason why Napoleon and all the bad guys in history were small dudes: hyper-overcompensation comes with the territory. The same phenomenon is in full effect for small penis-havers.
The fact of the matter is that height and even penis size are incredibly important in mate selection, which is why men who come up short in these “male” departments take the train right to Correlation Station and develop very deep insecurities that often overflow into other mental illnesses. Typically the guys who suddenly explode and send their girlfriends to the hospital are these “little men.”
But there's more. Check out these bussin stories:
- ‘Anal botox’ is the new butt beauty trend we’ve all been waiting for Widespread anal sex also means a lot of loose bottoms. The gay world to the rescue: anal rejuvenation with botox!
- A very necessary guide to the best places to pee in public I frequently find myself in need of a bathroom when I’m out and about. I’ve scoped out all the typical options, and have come up with a list of preferred pee spots when you’re in a bind.
- Suffering fear of love? It has a name: philophobia The beauty of deep emotional attachment becomes tragic when one is suffering an irrational fear of love—philophobia. There is help.