There’s no shortage of websites and magazines that claim to hold the secrets to great sex or a better love life or how to make your broken, spiteful relationship with your meth dealer look as enchanting as the cover of a Fabio romance novel.
Glamour has been doing this for years as you no doubt fully understand after having spent what probably amounts to 3 or 4 days of your life standing in grocery store checkout lines trying not to read any of their dumb headlines.
While searching the internet for tips and tricks on how to pick up women that have incurred massive head trauma (no, I didn’t really — wtf), I stumbled upon an article from Glamour.com titled 10 Common Phrases That Turn Him On… You May Have Said One Today!. The writer asked her boyfriend if there was some kind of mystical arrangement of words that could conjure an all-mighty boner in the shorts of any man. Her boyfriend then provided the writer with these ten “common” phrases.
Men, if you’re reading this as a guy, prepare to pitch some tents, because reading these words will be like reading the dangerous text of the Necronomicon…assuming the Necronomicon is a penis instruction manual for women written by a person that owns a lot of cats that teaches them how to handle boners with care lest they void the warranty.
#10. “Put it right there.”
Put what where? My penis in the flower pot? My hands on a Liger? My Ty Cobb baseball card on a mound of broken blenders?
It sounds more like something you would say to your shitty step-son when he’s begrudgingly helping you move in with his mom.
Boners Induced: 0
#9. “I love the way you look.”
Ladies, if the man you’re dating gets rock hard after you give non-specific, half-hearted compliments about how well his stained sweat pants look when paired with that Wu Tang Clan T-shirt from 1994 it means he has deeply rooted emotional issues and his brain translates such phrases as “You’re not as ugly as you usually are” and “Your butt doesn’t smell a can of night crawlers today” as you giving off subtle signals about wanting to have some hot sex followed by an even hotter cry.
Boners Induced: 0
#8. “I’m done with my bath, honey. I’m only wearing a towel and still dripping wet…I wish you were here.”
This is what a serial murderer/ritual goat sacrificer shouts in a cracking, high-pitched female voice when trying to lure a potential victim in to what homicide detectives will later call “one gigantic clusterf*ck of blood and testicle fragments.”
Boners Induced: 1/2
#7. “You’re the man.”
This will only work if the man you are about to have sex with is mentally challenged and has difficulty remembering exactly what role he plays during intercourse. Saying “You’re the man” would immediately be followed with a series of obscene hand gestures that illustrate the complex mechanics of sex and how the lady parts and man parts fit together.
It would also work if the man you’re about to have sex with has a great appreciation of corny popular phrases from 2002. If this is the case, you may find that saying “You go, girl!” and “Wazzzzzzz Uuuuuuup?!” will also have the same effect – that effect being boners.
Boners Induced: 0
#6. “I’ll take care of you tonight.”
Is your man sickly and infirm? Is the exotic disease that’s rotting him from the inside-out making him question the fairness of life? Does your man need to be watched closely by a Haitian nurse while you’re at work? Is the man you’re about to have sex with also an 80-year-old with dementia?
If you said yes to any or all of the questions above, “I’ll take care of you tonight” will get your man up and thrusting his creepy, greying pelvis in your face in no time!
Boners Induced: 0
#5. “It’s yours.”
Context is very important. If you point to your lady parts and say, “it’s yours,” that can be kind of sexy. But you point to the confused child standing in the doorway holding a backpack filled with all of his earthly belongings and say “it’s yours” its perhaps is not as sexy.
Boners Induced: ½
#4. “Baby, I want to be your motivation.”
What? I can’t…huh? What does that even mea – What?
If a woman says this to a man, is she implying that her vagina is Tony Robbins? Or that her vagina is the driving force by which humans achieve their goals? That her vagina has some form of intrinsic value that can lead to a better job and peace with one’s own faults?
If so, that’s some good pussy.
Boners Induced: ?????????
#3. “You can do it, I believe in you!”
If the man you’re about to have sex with is also a 10-year-old that’s in last place in a sack race, then yes; you should totally say “You can do it, I believe in you!” That, or if the man you’re about to have sex with is a mystical, wing-ed fairy whose erections are generated not by sexuality but the power of belief in the impossible and magical.
Boners Induced: 1, but only if you wish really hard and really believe! If you believe, anything is possible!
#2. “Sei così bello”
This is Italian for “You are so beautiful.” You know what else is a sexy thing to say in Italian? “Voglio leccare le tue tette”
Boners Induced: Molto bene! Spaghetti! (I’ve been told this is how you say the number four in Italian).
#1. “I love you.”
Awww. That’s so sweet. But does your man get turned on when his mother says that to him at the end of a phone call? If so, consult all Freudian therapists. Also, if this gets him hot, don’t let him near Hallmark cards.
Boners Induced: One really clichéd boner.
Mainstream women’s magazines are a laugh. Click yourself over to Guysmopolitan: 20 hilariously bad tips you would find in the male version of Cosmo for more. Also check out Cosmo’s 25 dumbest pieces of relationship advice ever.
But there's more. Check out these bussin stories:
- The pineapple is the feminist fruit we’ve been waiting for The banana is phallic. The peach is pink. The pineapple is just perfect.
- 10 questions to ask a white guy before saying “I do” He's about the pop the question—but first you need to ask a few of your own. Asking about his credit rating is a question as important as it is unromantic.
- I love him dearly, but I want to experience hookup culture I don't want to lose him, but I also want to experience the single life I see my friends enjoying.