When you first begin dating someone, you attempt to pull off an Oscar-worthy acting performance by pretending you’re the easiest person to be around, because you have no flaws. Those flaws include not worrying about money when going out on a date, being down for anything just to impress this person and being devoid of normal bodily functions. The latter of which is surprisingly one of the toughest benchmarks to overcome in your attempt at turning this whole thing from dating into a real, long-lasting relationship.
You see, at some point the other person is going to understand that you don’t have the finances for fancy Italian dinners where the menu doesn’t list the prices. They’ll also understand and agree that you don’t need to go hiking or to an all night rager every time you hang out, because Netflix is so much more appealing most of the time anyway. However, the first time bodily functions are entered into the equation both parties true colors are shown. That color being a hypothetical green cloud, because a fart is where this whole thing begins.
There comes a point in hanging out with this person for so long that it’s inevitable that you’ll be laying on the couch with one person snuggling up resting their head on the other’s belly after eating Chinese takeout on a lazy evening. The pressure begins to mount. The weight of their head becomes too much on top of the Kung Pao chicken grumbling in your stomach. You try to maneuver to relieve some of the pressure secretively, and it works, only not so secretively. You’ve just released the first fart in front of this person!
Depending on their reaction, it may be the first of many more to come.
This fart is the first touch point, rather sniff test in becoming the kind of couple who poops with the door open. If and when you let out this gaseous release the person simply laughs and says, “Oh, c’mon!” a few times over with a smile on their face, you may have just found your soulmate.
If they get up and storm out never to return your calls again, they were already looking for an excuse to end whatever it was that you had going on. Focusing on the former, you’ve just found a person fond of your flatulence, and that’s something worth holding on to. Well, maybe they’re not fond, but it didn’t repulse them.
So, what’s next? Months, if not years, of farting in front of one another only to be met with laughter, head shakes and understanding. You’re officially becoming very close with this person, to the point that questions of marriage may even arise. Not because outsiders are aware how comfortable you are with one another’s butt stank, but because you just seem to gel so well together when around others. The reason? Yup, it’s because of all these farts you know each other are human. You’re flawed just like the other. You just feel the realness seeping from one another.
But, you both shoo away the questions of wedding bells, because for now you’re just having fun (mostly laughing at each other’s farts). There’s no need to rush into anything at this point in the relationship. That’s when the next touch point, rather listening exam will test how long the two of you are going to make it.
You’ve grown used to each other having normal bodily functions by walking around in the aura of each other’s gas leakage for years now. You’ve even seen each other take a pee, possibly by accident at a drunken outdoor festival, or possibly just in the house when you didn’t think the other would be walking near the bathroom anytime soon. The latter scenario is when you’ll know if this person truly is your soulmate.
The fart to plop radicalization pipeline
Perhaps you’re walking by the bathroom and you see your significant other sitting there taking a pee.
No big deal, but as you’re about to continue cruising by not questioning the act which you’ve just seen, you hear the slightest of plops. You pause and lean backwards to where only your head can be seen in the doorframe by the person on the toilet. You raise your eyebrows suggestively and ask:
“Did I just hear a plop?”
Presumably they’ll be flushed red with embarrassment (or maybe they’re just holding in that next plop until you leave). They respond:
“Yeah…maybe! Just leave. It was surprise poop!”
Now, just like with the first time fart, this moment is significant in determining the next stage of your title as one another’s significant other. If your response is to simply laugh and say, “Oh, c’mon!” a few times over, you do truly love this person. You don’t judge them for having dropped a deuce–door open.
However, it’s not over yet. The next step is to con them into seeing you in the same act. You have to see if they too are comfortable with your backside toilet activity as well. If they can look past it as a bodily function and laugh off the sight of you in the most vulnerable position of all (pants down, squatting), they truly love you back.
The final stage of all this bodily function acceptance is to just become that couple who poops with the door open. Your home becomes an open door policy kind of place. Nobody need feel ashamed of their ass.
If you make it to this point, you no longer need to dodge questions of marriage from the people around you. You’re both ready for the question to be popped.
Sure, after that it may turn into a door open diarrhea downward slide until your death, but that’s what love is all about: poop perseverance.
But there's more. Check out these bussin stories:
- America is a drag queen twerking in the face of bigotry, forever The fabric of our nation is made of glitter, and we're sashaying towards ultimate freedom.
- How I gave patriarchy the middle finger and restored my virginity It's not as crazy as it sounds.
- The cost of western beauty standards: my journey with potato slices for puffy eyes I'm a skeptic when it comes to these 'do it yourself' beauty treatments, but I'll try anything once.