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The no-BS way to find Mr. Right: date hundreds of men If you are looking for a job, would you apply for one job and then sit home waiting for that one call? No!

Two of my girlfriends and I were having dinner last week and the question about their dating life came up along with a lot of groans. Victoria bellowed, “does the dating BS ever end?”

We all laughed, but then I very seriously said “Yes, of course it does.” We are all in our late 40′s and until a year ago were all single. I broke the dysfunctional dating cycle and got married. For the past year, I have been writing about my dysfunctional dating scenarios and how I finally figured out the formula to finding a life partner.

I truly meant it when I told Victoria that “yes,” ending the nauseating dating game is possible at any age. I believe it does take work and a willingness to do some serious self reflection.

For me, there was no question. It was not only about wanting to spend my life with someone, but also about a personal growth journey that I knew in my heart had to be healed in this lifetime. I had to figure out what held me back from creating a healthy, intimate, relationship with a man. Not only did I have a deep desire to heal this within myself, but all of my being longed to be partnered with someone that was a fit for me and me for them.

It is a magnificent experience for me to finally heal this within myself and to be with a man that brings out the best in me. As cliché as this sounds, this is exactly what the right fit does for a person.

Related: No woman should have to settle for Mr. Good Enough

So, to expound on Victoria’s question, the BS does end. It ends when you are ready to get real with yourself and discover why you choose the same kind of person over and over again to date. It ends when you clearly state from the onset of dating someone that you are seeking a long term partner. It ends when you stop dating people the moment you know they are not right for you. It ends when you stop making excuses for the person you are dating and their behavior. It ends when you stop pining away for someone who is not interested in you. It ends when you begin to start dating…a lot!

What do I mean by that last one? If you are looking for someone to be in a long term relationship with, start dating…a lot! Go out there and do the 20 minute coffee date at least 2 or 3 times a week with different people.

In order to find someone who is a fit for you, meeting a lot of people who are not a fit for you is part of the scenario. Sometimes people find their partners early in life. For me and some of my friends, that did not happen. As we get older, we have to date more to find that person we would like to spend our life with.

Someone once told me that it is a “number’s game.” I’m not sure about that, but I do know that I dated quite a lot. If you are looking for a job, would you apply for one job and then sit home waiting for that one job to call you? No! You would probably apply for 10 jobs and hope that one of them would be a fit.

Think of dating as the same thing. You have to meet a lot of people in order to find someone who is a fit for you….and of course, once again I know that there are people who meet their partners right away. This is for those of you who have not met someone yet.

Keep putting yourself out there and remember to be clear and honest with the person you are dating and with yourself.

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PS. The A Black Woman Is Speaking mug is a standing invitation to sit down, shut up, and engage in the wisdom shared by Black women. Lord knows the world needs it right now.

9 thoughts on “<span class="entry-title-primary">The no-BS way to find Mr. Right: date hundreds of men</span> <span class="entry-subtitle">If you are looking for a job, would you apply for one job and then sit home waiting for that one call? No!</span>”

  1. It seems to be that the happiest women I’ve met, were the ones who were satisfied by their first pick and didn’t just waste time with people who did not fit anyway. At some point, the best options are just going to avoid you if you have too much of a dating history.

  2. Unlike men who can be sexually attracted to just about any female, a woman has to have a
    strong SEXUAL attraction to a man to want to BE with him for any length of time. If a woman “plays head games” with a man it’s a sure sign she doesn’t really like him. Young women tend to not like sex as much as young guys and are more interested in fun and money. When they are ready to reproduce they are suddenly interested in “love”. It’s the same with men. When they are young they are only interested in sex and when they are ready to reproduce they are suddenly interested in “love”.

  3. This is one of those intuition things. I’ve enjoyed the company of many men and have actually made close friends from dating; none of them, though, gave me an “aha” moment. I really feel bad for those who “wait” while their boyfriend transforms into their idea of perfection. Honestly, what you see is what you get. If you couldn’t spend eternity with the man you just had coffee with, he’s not right for marriage. He has many great qualities, but something is missing. Those are usually really good friends!!!! You can still have love for them, it’s just not right, and it takes lots of tries to find you other half.

  4. Be honest, don’t lie, don’t play typical female head games with men, don’t say one thing and then do the opposite, stop saying you want a nice guy and then trip all over yourself running after every abuser in town, stop rating men by the size of their wallets, and above all, pay your own way so you’re not a typical “feminist” hypocrite. Then you will have no problem in the dating world.

    • with all due respect, a lot of the things that you are complaining about are due to the contradicting expectations that our society (especially men) have toward women.
      I don’t know you personally but people who have said things like that in my experience are those that need to start with them selves. Maybe you need to check your own expectations of women or the criteria by which you choose women. sounds like you’re going after some “bombshell” ideal and expecting the whole package to match. Start with inner beauty first, then you’ll find the right one.
      that being said, there are some very manipulative women out there. but our society wants women to be little more than prostitutes (their own mothers teach them this : “find a nice doctor….”) so why should we be surprised when there are women that behave that way?
      you get what you worship.

      • Stop deflecting, Miriam. The fault lies with BOTH
        Genders. Quit trying to minimise women’s responsibility in these problems.

        Feminism changed the goalposts on your side. It is clear that men are now changing theirs.

        We are two halves of the same species. What either does affects the other.

        Women owe men nothing? True. But then we also owe you nothing.

        Want something from us? Then you need to bring something we want.

        A healthy relationship between the sexes is naturally symbiotic. A mutual give and take from and to BOTH. You have sabotaged this with feminism.

        The Western marriage is a complete con for men. None of them should consider it for 1 second.

        Guys, never enter a contract with someone who benefits from breaking it.


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