Every single person in this world is insecure about something on their bodies, whether that is their hammerhead shark-shaped toes, to the bulbous noses that appear like woodshop-crafted door stops, and parked squarely in the middle of their faces. In a time and place where we can’t agree on anything, imperfections surely are what make us distinctly human, and should make us united on at least one front.
But it’s one thing to have those insecurities, and it’s something quite different to act on erasing them. I’m talking about plastic surgery, the big business of making things both bigger and smaller.
But if you asked most men, they’d tell you that they prefer natural imperfections to haphazardly slapped together mugs and body parts that craft “the perfect woman.” For one thing, sometimes plastic surgery would just simply be a tragic, tragic mistake. Here are 7 more reasons why women shouldn’t get plastic surgery.
Work on your face makes you look like a Thundercat
Plastic surgeons seem to think that the solution is always pulling things tighter when it comes to the facial region. Either that, or there are a ton of women going to see their doctors and telling them, “give me the Cheetara-look.” You don’t know if you’re supposed to kiss these women, or put out a dish of warm milk for them.
It leads to more plastic surgery
In many cases, plastic surgery seems to come with a compulsive behavior. A person fixes one thing, only to notice something else that could be tuned up with a quick pick, poke, prod and plunger from a syringe. If you can use that popsicle stick bridge everyone had to build in math class when they were younger as an example, the more you mess with the design, the more you fuck it up.
Women who try to reverse aging end up look like slutty corpses
I can understand wanting to get your body looking like it did in its heyday, but when women in their fifties get “a little of this and a little of that,” they end looking worse than they did when they started. You’re presumably fifty, have a little bit of money and a whole lot of experience. What does this mean? You may not be 25, but you can certainly bang guys who are.
A guy doesn’t give a fuck about crow’s feet or muffin tops
If a woman were to ask a man about the state of her fat ass, he’d at least understand the inquiry. If that same woman asked that same man about the crows feet around her eyes, he’d truly be befuddled. Men don’t notice those kinds of things. The only reason a man ever looks into a woman’s eyes is because he’s trying to convince her that that Hail-Mary “I love you” he tossed up is worthy of a little sexy-time.
Your body is now questionably 25, but your vagina is still 56
Sure, there might be something called vaginal rejuvenation, but no amount of lasers and spare tire patchwork is going to transform what is still a dried up old flower back into a youthful orchid.
Everyone knows you’ve had work done
When women get plastic surgery, it’s a comparable outward change that would rival a man getting a hairpiece/rug/hairplugs. One day, you’re walking around, ass flat like a Cobra Kai breaking board, breasts appearing like sacks peasants would beg with. Two weeks later, everything has changed. People will ask you, “what’s different,” knowing full well that you’ve just gone under the knife. People who lie about getting work done must tell themselves that every person goes through puberty twice in their life.
Fake tits are the WORST
Fake breasts are like puppies in a pet store window. They look like you want to take them home and play with them, but you think better of it. Fakeys look like one sudden motion could cause some type of epidermal crisis. Women want to believe that breast augmentation will give them their confidence back, but all it does is gives men half-blood erections.
But there's more. Check out these bussin stories:
- The 10 stages of going to a party while having social anxiety So, you've been invited. Your mind is churning with ever more horrific possibilities. Here's a cheat sheet to help keep you fixed in reality.
- Sex equity: how to make your boyfriend last longer If you're feeling unfulfilled, there is inequity in your relationship. Here's how to get your a man's little soldier to march for the cause of bedroom justice.
- I let my muff grow wild to see how the patriarchy would react My vagina was giving off the attitude of a vagina that spent summers in Italy, taking many handsome lovers, and not a vagina that spent the majority of its time walking to work in the rain.