I don’t remember when he started touching me, that was just always a part of our relationship.
I remember when he started having sex with me. I was young. Then he stopped for a few years. Maybe he was afraid he would get caught. He started again when I was around 13.
He never physically forced me, but would ask and beg. “Daddy loves you so much.” “Please do this for daddy.” “Daddy wants to make you feel good.”
I was ashamed and I’m still humiliated by the fact that my body liked some of what he did to me. But I did not like it. Or want it.
I began peeing the bed and having a hard time controlling my bladder in general. Everyone in my family made fun of me for it–except him.
So I started acting out. Getting in trouble at school. Throwing temper tantrums. Becoming violent and aggressive. Stealing. Not coming home. Skipping school. Smoking weed and drinking. Arrested a few times.
I would get into screaming matches with my mom. She gave up on trying to deal with me and decided to let my father handle me. She said he was the only one who could. His way of dealing with me was to have sex with me even when I cried while he was doing it.
I thought he was the only person who cared about me. That was one of the reasons it kept happening. I thought I was in a consensual sexual relationship with my father and I hated myself for it. What kind of girl let’s her dad have sex with her?
At some point my father started paying me to behave, and this escalated into him paying me for sex.
I know how this seems but we were closer than anyone else is my family. My sisters and maybe even my mom to a certain extent were jealous because I was his favorite. And they and the rest of the family resented me for the few years of rebelliousness I put them through.
When I was 18, I told my mom. I won’t go into detail, but she didn’t even ask him. Instead she accused me of lying and has barely held a conversation with me since. I don’t really have a relationship with the rest of my family because of this.
My sister asked me what kind of girl wants to have sex with her father. Kind of like I used to ask myself how I could let him sleep with me. She asked me how I could do that to him. She said I broke his heart.
I’ve been back and forth in terms of success as an adult. I’ve had periods where I’m doing really well.
But something always goes wrong and I end up destitute and needing money. My dad would offer me money in exchange for sex and I would do it.
I push people away. I don’t know how to have healthy relationships. I’m a loner. He’s the only person who shows me kindness. I’ve been dealing with the shame and guilt and self loathing in exchange for money and what occasionally feels like love.
But yesterday I ended it. I had literally been throwing up afterwards. I can’t look at myself in the mirror.
I lost my job a few months ago so it started again.
But yesterday I got a new job. I had been telling myself I was going to wait until I started working or got paid, but when I told him I wasn’t doing it anymore he said I should at least wait until I got paid. He said he knew I don’t have any money and that he would give me some just because this time if I promised to come back until I got my first paycheck.
I hate myself but I hate him too. And I hated him so much when he said that that I could have killed him. And I told him. I told him I hate him. I told him that if he ever contacts me again, I’m going to the police if I don’t kill him first. That maybe the rest of the family won’t believe me, but his neighbors will hear about it and the people he works with. I told him I can’t wait for him to die. I don’t know if I can actually press charges but I just wanted it to stop.
My mother texted me last night and told me that everyone is done with me. She asked me to please leave them alone.
So I’m alone and broke, still humiliated and ashamed, but I am done. I will never do that to myself again. I hate myself but I cannot live with myself if I let him touch me again. I can’t even write about this anymore I’m so disgusted. My life is tolerable now that he’s not in it.
I am disgusted with both of us, but at least I ended it.
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