~buy our swag~

Why is this a thing? 10 statues that white people just can’t stop sexually harassing See the statues that let white people express their "love" of art through inappropriate touching and, most importantly, create demeaning pictures for their social media.

Did you know that the Botero statue of Adam at the Time Warner Center in Midtown New York City has a shiny, golden wiener? The rest of the statue is a significantly darker, less shiny brown.(..)

Can you guess why?

An investigation into images on social media quickly reveals the cause. Tourists from white middle America just can’t stop polishing Adam’s knob.

In fact, tourist guides encourage them to. Roadside America titles the attraction “Naked Adam – Statue Rubbing” and writes that Adam has “an easily-grabbed peeper. A mobile snapshot that’s difficult for shoppers to resist.”

And indeed it’s difficult for wayward colonizers to resist. According to one white man interviewed by the New York Post, rubbing Adam’s diminutive penis “makes me feel good about mine.”

This did get us thinking about statue-groping as a racial-cultural dominance phenomenon. While statues are inanimate objects and not subject to much more than property rights, the act of gleefully sexually harassing them, and reveling comfortably in the knowledge that you won’t even be socially shamed for it, says a lot about white America — a lot more than the size of their penises.

The phenomenon indeed reveals deep inequity at the core of the white American soul, even in an era where the average member of the group claims they are post-racial and totally groovy with the Black struggle. All oppression intersects, so imagine what these people would have been capable of in earlier times.

So we decided it’s time for someone to speak out, and that someone is going to be us. By highlighting the top 10 inanimate victims of white middle America’s sexual harassment campaign, we are contributing to generating some much needed stigma to sexually harassment of any kind.

“Adam,” New York City

The incident that sparked our investigation. Note that even children are invited to the fun and wholesome activity of rubbing the man’s junk.

“Ronald McDonald,” Everywhere

Show me a roomful of white girls who haven’t simulated fellatio on Ronald McDonald, and I’ll show you a roomful of liars.

The ubiquitous nature of McDonald’s means that there’s nary a Karen in the world who hasn’t gone in for a 3 a.m. Shamrock Shake and spent the next week or so untagging herself from social media posts.

Creepiest part: He’s a clown, a staple of horror movies. It’s as if white America is saying, “we know what you are. And we are scarier.”

“Victor Noir,” Paris

Victor Noir was a journalist who was sent to represent his employer in a duel against Prince Pierre Bonaparte, and was subsequently killed by the other dude. He somehow became a symbol of fertility, which is just a polite way of saying French women love going to his grave and rubbing his monument’s junk.

Seriously.

They love it so much that when the government erected (sorry) a fence around the statue to protect it, the mademoiselles protested and had the fence taken down.

“hristiano Ronaldo,” Madeira

Cristiano Ronaldo is hot, but white people apparently don’t understand that’s no excuse to sexually harass his statue to the point his hot bulge is being worn down.

“Molly Malone,” Suffolk Street, Dublin


Molly Malone is a possibly fictional woman who in Irish folklore was fishmonger. The moment they decided to erect a statue of her, she became known for something else entirely. The statue has been moved at least once, but drunk Irish lads home in on her shiny breasts every time, making them even shinier.

“William Penn,” Philadelphia City Hall

From basically anywhere along the Ben Franklin Parkway, it looks like William Penn has a raging boner. It’s just one of the many things that makes Philly such a great city. /s

And although technically this isn’t a statue that gets groped, there are no less than a couple million photos of white people using perspective photography to give ol’ Billy HJs, BJs, and all other kinds of obscenities.

“Crazy Girls,” Riviera, Las Vegas

Las Vegas. The city of dad bodied white men yearning to have their picture taken whilst stroking the many be-thonged asses of the “Crazy Girls” topless revue statue.

The only way to make the whole affair any less tasteful is for it to be blatantly obvious that thousands of drunk, piss soaked hands have rubbed themselves all over these butts for decades.

The sexual harassment got so insane that the statue had to be taken away.

“The Charging Bull,” Financial District, Manhattan

The statue first arrived in New York City in December 1989 as part of a Christmas display. Its testicles was immediately set upon, because that’s how to remember Jesus, or something. White people claim that rubbing the bull’s testicles is not actually sexual harassment, but intended to bring “good luck.”

I’m sorry, but try that excuse in court.

“Juliet,” Verona, Italy

So, the idea is that if you touch the heart of Juliet, you’ll be blessed in love or something. This has led to a lot of people not particularly well-versed in anatomy touching her right boob. A lot.

There’s a sister statue in Munich, and she’s subject to the same treatment.

Maaybe we could excuse this one were it all just a bunch of teenage girls on vacation with their parents and who are all heartbroken over Billy from geometry class. But it’s not — it’s pervert white tourists who don’t even care that the girl the statue is depicting is only 14 years old!

It seems that as long as artists keep making sculptures of people (and sometimes animals), white people are going to figure out a way to defile them.

P.S. support great journalism of color by buying our swag:

Sorry, Afrunauts! While 85% of you are wonderful people, the other 25% were far too frequently brigades and troll farms. Their abusive comments have traumatized our moderators, and so we can't allow comments until we have built an ethical way to address the troll problem. If you feel the calling and you have familiarized yourself with what is and isn't free speech, you can still email us your scribbles. If your feedback is excellent, we may manually add it!

7 thoughts on “<span class="entry-title-primary">Why is this a thing? 10 statues that white people just can’t stop sexually harassing</span> <span class="entry-subtitle">See the statues that let white people express their "love" of art through inappropriate touching and, most importantly, create demeaning pictures for their social media.</span>”

  1. This whole article is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever wasted my time reading. Along with every other article on this shit site.

    Reply
  2. Seems like you forgot the statue of “David.” As my wife and I stood in line at the MOMA in NYC some years ago for an exhibit we passed the statue of “David” that was placed on a 3-foot-high pedestal towering over her and the crowd. She murmered “Been There. Done That.” to no one in particular. Boy was my face red.

    Reply

Say your thing

Get our best content

~max once a week~